As a verb person, I love action. Passionately pursuing some new idea is my favorite way of life. Flying by the seat of my pants is the only way I fly!
So planning this next time of waiting is hard. I know that packing in more than I can handle is bad, but I see so much that could be done, and need to continually remind myself that I have short funds and only about 2 years in which to do these things. It's hard to wait. It seems that the Lord is teaching me patience or maybe he is just keeping me from myself.
Loneliness is the hardest thing as I travel and re-invent my life. It follows me like a flea covered dog, and ticks at my mind as I gather what courage I can from my surroundings. I miss not just people, but concepts; home, the beach, busyness, family. I know that all these things may be passing out of my life, but I do yearn for them terribly. It stops me as I work and drags my mind to other times and places as if a vortex it carrying me beyond my will into what can not be.
I realize that what I had hoped to gain is what I got, but I did not know the consequences. I asked to be a fox without a hole, and a rich young ruler with no riches, and a disciple without extra sandals. My barns are empty. My fields are bare. My father is left un-buried. So why is my heart troubled? Why the waves of sadness? Where is the surrender my soul yearns for? I know that sacrifice is painful, but is my heart in the wrong place? I know I follow the Lords plan, but am I not seeing the lessons to learn?
Forgive my misery. I know the Lord will comfort me. But my heart is heavy today.
Signing out for now and praying for sunnier days
PS. I need my dog today.